Leaning on the wind...

"What have I become, my sweetest friend..?"
- Hurt, by Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails)

One of the questions I wrestle with constantly is this: "How do I reconcile my Judaism with the magical practices I learned in the past?" It's a valid but difficult question, and to be fair, my position is subject to change at any time. First, to understand the pressures that are involved, you need a bit of background. I left home at 18 and stayed with friends for several years. These people were like my family (some still are, some aren't) and one of the things we all had in common was an interest in the occult.

Unlike some of my friends who were mainly into the flashy or shocking aspects of magic, I tended to keep my scope broad enough to look at religions and the magical practices they had assimilated also. This lead me to study the Kabbalah. I had a reasonably good amount of knowledge regarding the Tanakh due to my Christian background and my thought was that I could utilize that in order to add depth to my practice. I floundered in my magical practices as the addictive nature of the drugs took hold, but managed to maintain various types of practice throughout. In fact my practices at that time may have been what kept me from going even further than I did. I saw many strange things that I won't go into at this time. Needless to say, I do not always know what to make of these things, but nevertheless, to deny them would be madness.

Once I was in recovery, I maintained my practice and began making contact with other people. I found my friend Loan, and he really helped me through the initial stages of recovery. We dreamed up the Kadmon Project together, and that's one of the major motivations for me in keeping the project going.

Before Loan died, I had a series of dreams involving a pair of Rabbis, a hidden cupboard filled with scrolls, and the ashes of the Parah Adumah (Red Heifer). Afterwards I investigated my local synagogue, and discovered that I really felt at home with the people there. As I've continued to learn about Judaism, even now that I am a convert, I came to realize that there are many factions within the religion as a whole, and that Reform Jews (the branch I converted into) in particular have not been particularly friendly toward mysticism. So this left me with a dilemma: Do I abandon what I've seen, what I know to be true, so that I can fit in? or do I risk expulsion from my community which could affect not only my future, but that of my children as well?

Instead of bowing to this dichotomy, I chose to find a hybrid solution. First, I don't do divination or any sort of statuary. Those are big ones. I don't talk to any other deities - I choose to only recognize Adonai Echad - whether others exist or not. However, I have kept the Kadmon Group going to maintain a connection to others who don't practice as I do. Where rituals overlap, I default to Judaism. Where there isn't a solution in Judaism, I make my own and share it with the group.

There are other areas where the two paths complement each other. For instance, by taking a Kabbalistic concept and turning it into a Kadmon practice, I have to take it apart and put it back together. So while the Kadmon practice may not be exactly the same, I've learned from it, and I've had the opportunity to teach it to others.

However, it finally comes down to this: When I was seriously practicing magic, I relied almost solely on my intuition. I relied on it to the point of trusting myself in life and death situations to its whim. It was like learning to lean on the wind - no one could say if I would fall or stand. As I have come to terms with the idea of God, I've learned that the wind I was leaning on, the hand that kept me from falling was God (Ruach HaKodesh). It is in all of the magical practices I learned, and it is the principles of Kadmon and Kabbalah both.

It is the essence of faith to put all of your heart into living, and then when you have nothing else to give, fall in the direction of the finish line, and know that you will not fall. While I recognize even still that this balancing act is precarious, I also know that this edge is where I am called to be. There is nowhere else to go.

"Because your candle burns too bright
Well, I almost forgot it was twilight
Even if I think that you are right
Well, I'm tired of being down, I got no fight"

- Twilight, by Elliot Smith

Excellent article...

...entitled "Botany and Kabbalah in the Samarkand carpets"

Zohar

This is a good chunk of the Zohar separated by portions or complete (warning: 140 mb file), whichever you prefer. It has the Aramaic and the English translation side by side which I particularly like.

Chevrut

"Rabbi Yehoshua Ben Perachya says, 'Make for yourself a teacher and acquire for yourself a friend, and judge each person favorably.'"

I had intended to read through Pirkei Avot, but I was side-tracked by this gem. I've struggled for a long time, trying to find a way to explain how Loan (my late best friend) and I related to each other. Understandably, others found him difficult to get along with. For me, this process happened in reverse order of the above quote, but it really illustrates the value of having a chevrutah (friend, but also a study partner).

When I was first getting sober, in 2001, I had little hope of finding anyone to interact with online. Occasionally I found people who would provide interesting discussions regarding Kabbalah on Yahoo Clubs, but even then, I was still learning the terminology in an experiential way. I discovered Usenet around the same time as the 9/11 disaster. I read without posting for several months. After a while Loan and I had a fairly long discussion, and I began emailing him personally. One of the things that struck me about him was the fact that he was always sure of his explanation, immersing himself completely in the explanation, with no reservation and without regard for what others might think. I'm reminded of the scene in "The Last Samurai" in which Tom Cruise's character is told, "Too many mind" because he is minding the crowd and how people are looking at him. Finally the friendly advice concludes, "No mind." Loan was more than capable of this in regards to his Work.

This is not to say that befriending him was easy. I knew there were areas I disagreed with him in, but was willing to put minor things aside, because I had favorably judged him. It was an aesthetic choice, I think. He espoused certain principles, and despite the fact that he often changed his position on certain issues, he remained true to his principles to the end. For the sake of those principles, I decided that he would be my friend, even when he told me time and again that he wasn't a good person and that there could be dire consequences to even talking to him. Like him, I had to remain true to my principles, and seek out the meaning that he represented.

This was the process of acquiring a friend, in this case. I sought out his meaning in a thousand ways, by speaking to him, conversing on topics ranging from politics to the weather to family life. He told me of his ideas of Messiah and his dreams. Sometimes I would listen literally. Other times I would listen as though his prescriptions were an inner guide to healing the man himself. I listened as to a prophet that knows not his own meaning. In the traditional model, a chevrutah studies Torah with you, but in this case, I studied my chevrutah and myself thereby learning of the living Torah that fills the worlds with Kavod.

Finally the day came, and I mentioned one of my own insights on a topic. An audible frown accompanied his statement of confusion. I explained again, this time using catchphrases that he himself had used favorably on several occasions. It wasn't entirely different from other things he had said, but it was unfamiliar territory. Recognition dawned and he seemed interested. I let it go for a few weeks. Eventually we got to the point where we were trading ideas back and forth regularly. I had things to teach him as well, and he was happy about it!

He started consulting me for oracles on occasion. This was probably when we both learned from each other the most. He even participated in some of the Kadmon experiments with me. It ended with a Sunday morning when K and I were rushing to get the kids to Religious School. He sounded ill. I asked him if there was anyone there who would take care of him or if he'd gone to see the doctor. He said he'd be okay. I told him I needed to get the kids to Religious School, but I'd call him back that afternoon to make sure he was okay.

I did. He didn't answer.

Huong told me not to beat myself up, because it wasn't my fault, but I've never really stopped blaming myself. I still haven't really sought out another study partner, and I'm honestly not sure how soon I'll actually be okay enough to do that. Through him, I learned that I had something to teach, as well as many things to learn. After getting sober, I didn't think I was worth much, but he showed me that my own nature was good, and that this was a valuable thing in and of itself. I hope that I was able to show him the same.

I think that outside of my own personal saga, this can be a good way to gain rapport with others. By first passing positive judgement upon the person, you assure that no matter what, you will find a way to read their actions as having meaning. Perhaps we should be able to see all people in this way, but it's much easier to start with just one person and work your way outwards from there. By seeking out and acquiring friendship, it keeps the friendship moving towards workable terms, instead of maintaining unsustainable terms, as in dependencies. Most friendships maintain a balance of power, but this seeking keeps things in a balanced yin/yang sort of state, wherein polarities switch back and forth cyclically. By making for yourself a teacher, you can also learn what kind of teacher you are looking for, and thereby become that role. All of these things put together allow us to create the chains of relationship that trace the fiery glyphs and sigils which manifest change in our world.

"To save one person is to save the world." (Mishna, Sanhedren 4:5)

post Tisha B'av meditation

"The brotherly love of Itzchak and Ishmael will assert itself above all the confusion...Their love will overcome all and transform all to eternal light and compassion."

- Rav Kook in a letter written in 1908 (Commenting on Gen. 33:10)
May it come to pass quickly and within our lifetime.

Partzufim

Note: This essay refers to the Letter Arrays in Aryeh Kaplan's translation of the Sefer Yetsirah (pgs. 310-315)

Paul wrote: I don't really understand the arrays. What happens when you do the
meditation? What does it mean to create a partzuf?

Well, first let me preface this by saying that this is just my take on things, of course. In looking at the arrays, I would use them just like Abulafian arrays, meditating on each letter combination by tying them to something like a vowel which would correspond to a physical movement (like the character at the end of each line - SY pgs. 310-315). However, that's just the practice. My understanding of the process comes from Assembly Language.

It was eerie to me when I first saw these meditations with two letters, because that's generally how you represent a character in modern computer systems. Each character is identified by a two digit hex code. Hex is base 16, so they use A-F to represent 10-15. For example, the capital letter H is 48h (72 in decimal), dash (-) is 2Dh (45 in decimal), and so forth. Why hex? Probably 'cause it converts into bytes (8 binary bits) really easily.

That having been said, in Assembly Language, you move these two digit hex codes into various registers, and that makes things happen (to simplify).

Same thing here. By meditating on the line of two digit combinations, you're putting a series of values, which in this case represent the traversal between two states, defined by the letters, into a memory register, denoted by the separate character at the end of the line (first line of Alef it's a Yud, etc...).

But why do all of them in that order. What's the point?

States are temporary. I can enter a very high state, and yet not be able to reproduce it. How do we solidify these experiences into a platform that will allow us to reproduce them? Luckily the neshama is nothing if not elegant. Using the same principle that allows us to store cathartic or gnostic knowledge in symbolic frameworks, we can actually move along a different axis. We could call these progressive initiations: stages. So by stringing states into a sequence and compressing them into symbolic frameworks, we move through these stages rapidly.

So when we activate these sequences in line, we're actually taking ourselves through a sequence of initiations that might take much longer to go through if we went through them the long way. In fact, I'm pretty sure that all of those states and lessons could last more than a lifetime.

Now that's just repairing the Sefirot.

The Partzufim are a different matter. First let's look at the excellent quote that Logan found:

"Partzuf ("personae" or "profile"; pl. partzufim):
A partzuf is the third and final stage in the development of a sefirah, in which it metamorphoses from a tenfold articulation of sub-sefirot into a human-like figure possessing the full set of intellectual and emotional powers. As such, it may thus interact with the other partzufim (which could not occur before this transformation). This stage of development constitutes the transition from Tohu to Tikun or from Nekudim to Berudim, (also see: Olam Ha'Atzilut, "The World of Emanation")."

(link)

Also, there are several models that indicate more than 5 Partzufim.

Some divide the typical four (Abba, Imma, Zeir Anpin, Nukva) up into two (Abba -> Abba Ila'ah & Yisrael Sabba, etc...), while others add in the Partzufim of Keter, like Atik Yomin, Arikh Anpin, and Atika Kadisha, and still others state that Keter of Atzilut and it's Partzufim are only the Malkut of Adam Kadmon. How many are we up to now? ;)

So basically once we've repaired the individual sefirot, they can evolve into their higher form, which is that of a Partzuf - however you want to sort them.

But wait a minute, in the text we meditate on them from Keter to Malkut. Why is that? I think maybe it's because we're setting up the non-volatile elements before we work with the spheres that people are more likely to be having problems in. Most people will actually be having issues with the lessons of Malkut as opposed to Binah. So by the time the process is working on the sefirot you're using, it's mostly over, and less likely to "crash" your reality.

And what about the Partzuf/Face and the Back of the Sefirot? This is a matter of relation. If we take two sefirot, there are two primary states they can be in: face to face or back to back. Face to face is the one we want, so we repair the faces (partzuf of Keter, etc...) first. Back to back means that the emanation process isn't firing in order. For example, if Chokmah receives from Keter, but Binah doesn't become female for Chokmah, because it's still in a male state towards Chesed, then that delays the flow of mazal or shefa. That emanation could be a manifestation or a blessing from above, but it won't be received because the emanatory channel is malfunctioning. Repairing the faces makes sure that the sending mechanism works, so then you go through and make sure all the backs are properly working, so that they will receive properly also.

Once the chain is repaired, the Sefirot awaken and become Partzufim. I would guess that they activate in a sequence, hence my comment on metamorphoses. The stages are probably assessed differently by different people, which accounts for different numbers of Partzufim. However, once all of these Partzufim activate, they work together as the parts of the body of a sentient Golem. And everything after that is pretty much dependent on your Will, so it's probably pointless to spin conjecture about it until you're there.

Psycho-halakhah

I'm working on looking at how I keep Shabbat. As a family, we all light the candles together and eat, and we always do a little Havdalah service on Saturday night. But, 'How do *I* keep Shabbat,' has been my question.

I looked to an article by Reb. Zalman Schacter-Shlomi about what he calls "Psychohalachah". Now, this can be strange territory. It's not enough to construct your own set of rules based on what's easy (Judaism Lite). You have to make rules that are entirely based on the principles that have come before, that don't violate the community's sense of propriety, and that strengthen the Shekinah.

First, let's look at our first point. The principle of the mezuzah is based on a commandment from Devarim 6:9 which says "And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates."

R. Zalman says, "I’ve been saying to kids way back at Ramah, when I was doing the Ramah thing, write out your mezuzah on a 3x5 card; and make sure that it will be on your door because the Torah says u’kh’tavtam; The Torah doesn’t say it should be on qlaf; qlaf is the technology of the past. So in the past we had to have that technology."

We uphold the principle and thereby do a Tikkun of sorts on the meaning of the Halakhah to ourselves. One thing I'd like to emphasize here is that I'm not advocating this as better than Halakah, but rather better for those like me who want the meaning spelled out for them. So I spell out the meaning and learn the paradigm that way.

The second point is that you shouldn't violate your community's sense of propriety. Now this is hard. Sometimes you will encounter people who want things done traditionally. How do you deal with that? Well, there aren't any hard and fast rules. There are priorities to keep in mind though.

1) Does this issue divide the tzibbur (local community) or Klal Yisrael? (in which case, it needs to be dealt with)

2) Will this cause me (or another person) to be alienated from the tzibbur or Klal Yisrael? (in which case, it may be necessary to let it lie)

3) Will this strengthen the Shekinah, or increase holiness? (if so, it should definitely be pursued)

In many cases it seems that these questions push only towards more restriction. However, I can look at my own community and say without a doubt that having women read from the Torah and lead our Kabbalat Shabbat services has absolutely increased the holiness of our service, not by cutting off or making separate, but by repairing something in those individuals that are able to participate. In another community the resistance might be so great that it wouldn't work, and in that case it might not be a tikkun, since it would be dividing the community. But in this case it's bringing the community together and increasing k'vod hatzibbur. So these questions are really kind of checks and balances to each other.

You may have noticed that I slipped my last point into the middle of the second one. This is because my three points are just as interconnected as the three questions I mentioned earlier. How can we be sure that we are strengthening the Shekinah? You can watch participation and gauge kavannah. Really! People tend to think that more participation leads to more observance, but I think it can lead to more intense observance also. When you've performed a certain practice enough times, you find that there's a hollow space in your mind where you used to worry about doing it right but now you need some sort of meaning to fill it. But that's not always apparent at the time: practicing the mitzvot may just feel empty or hollow. If the person who feels this can fill that void with kavannah, then that person will experience a surge, in which that kavannah is returned to them ten times over. This is the sod behind tithing: you give your 10% and Hashem returns it to you as 100%. You'll probably see this reflected in a person's participation, and you can judge whether or not your congregation's paradigm shift is working for them or hindering them.

So this is what I've been doing - deciding how to walk (holekh -> halakhah [wink]). I don't drive to other cities during Shabbat, just to synagogue and local familiar places. I try to avoid places like the mall, or other loud and noisy places - I want to keep Shabbat as peaceful as possible. I don't post to my journals, because that feels like work, but I do comment on other people's journals, because that's more like chatting. It's a lifetime-long process in which I'm going to try and learn as much about the principles of the Torah as possible - not just to follow the rules, but to understand them also.

Battles?

In surfing, I found this link to a lecture by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. In it he posits that the differences between the three variants of Judaism will be decided by 2 primary factors: 1) The one that excels in morality, and 2) the one that excels in intellectual achievements (Truth is truth, no matter what the source). I think this is vital for my understanding of Judaism, if only because I can use those two things as my guideposts as I push forward into a deeper and more meaningful practice of Judaism. I was reading an article in a Reform-based magazine last night about how to deal with teenagers and sexuality. It's a tough subject, as anyone with children is aware of. However, they called for some sanity to be injected into the debate. With people getting married later in life (25+ instead of 18-ish) they say it is difficult to tell our children to not have sex until they marry. Instead, they encourage education regarding safe sex and contraception, so that more grave errors (having children when it's not financially feasible) are avoided. I think this is an important point when trying to consider the highest morality. We have a split here between what we are asking our kids to do, and what is actually happening. We should encourage no sex before marraige, but recognize that if this isn't adhered to, we have to look at the consequences. So do we look at the reality and deal with it in mercy (Hillel) or do we hold to the standard regardless (Shammai)? I think that what we define as a higher morality depends on our goals. If we want to further remove ourselves from the world around us, creating a separation (of holiness), then we should go with the Shammai option. If we wish to rectify the world as it is, then we should go with the Hillel option.
The second 'thing' is intellectual achievement. He defines this only as Torah knowledge, but I think that we have to consider achievements outside of Judaism as well. In this sense, I think that I must say that it is not one of these three groups, but the unobservant Jews who have made the greatest strides intellectually in the past century. This seems disheartening to me, but it is also a testament to the influence of Judaism, so my feelings are mixed on this subject.
All in all, I think Soloveitchik gives us a good structure for evaluating our branch of Judaism, as well as our own personal practice. Perhaps in accepting and responding to the wisdom of other branches of Judaism, we can begin to dissolve the boundaries that make these "battles" necessary.

Anticipation

Well, my conversion will be complete as of the 14th. I'm excited to be able to do my first aliyah (of many to come!) and I think the kids are pretty excited about the entire thing too. I've got my tallit coming in the mail, and I'm thinking about looking into getting my robe modified a bit, so that it will have tzitzit with the re-introduced tekelet on them. I think that by using a separate garment during the day of Shabbat (probably wouldn't want to wear it to synagogue), it would allow me to identify with the Partzuf of Zeir Anpin, and thereby 'receive' a bit better. The concept behind the blue fringes intrigues me as well.

I'm really looking forward to be able to share some of my knowledge with others. I'd also like to take some classes on Sofrut, as I've always had a love for the Hebrew alefbeit, and that has only deepened as I've learned more of the language.

Well, peace to you all, my friends, and by this time next week, I will be Jewish!

The 13 Principles of the Jewish Faith

1. I believe with perfect faith that G-d is the Creator and Ruler of all things. He alone has made, does make, and will make all things.

- I see G-d as the sentient and self-organizing principle behind evolution and all forms of science. Therefore all things arise from Him.

2. I believe with perfect faith that G-d is One. There is no unity that is in any way like His. He alone is our G-d He was, He is, and He will be.

- I believe that the Universe began by G-d (who existed as an infinite unity) exhaling Himself into a self-created void (through the mystery of Tzimtzum) and that this primal unity will occur again at the end of our world’s existence.

3. I believe with perfect faith that G-d does not have a body. Physical concepts do not apply to Him. There is nothing whatsoever that resembles Him at all.

- I believe that G-d has no substance, as He is the Supreme Sentient Principle.

4. I believe with perfect faith that G-d is first and last.

- See 2.

5. I believe with perfect faith that it is only proper to pray to G-d. One may not pray to anyone or anything else.

- I see fit (for myself) to only honor the Singular drive toward Unity that brings peace and harmony to the world. For me, to honor any other thing is to promote division.

6. I believe with prefect faith that all the words of the prophets are true.

- Prophecy is often difficult to understand, but I think that specifically the works of the Hebrew Prophets, give a glimpse into the complexities of our spiritual universe for those who can understand.

7. I believe with perfect faith that the prophecy of Moses is absolutely true. He was the chief of all prophets, both before and after Him.

- I do believe that Moses was a “clear lens”. For me, that means that his ability to prophesy is unmatched among the Hebrew prophets.

8. I believe with perfect faith that the entire Torah that we now have is that which was given to Moses.

- For me the Torah is not just the words on the page. It is a model, a blueprint of the entire universe, unalterable and yet dynamic.

9. I believe with perfect faith that this Torah will not be changed, and that there will never be another given by G-d.

- See 8.

10. I believe with perfect faith that G-d knows all of man's deeds and thoughts. It is thus written (Psalm 33:15), "He has molded every heart together, He understands what each one does."

- As G-d is the Supreme Sentience, he is present in all forms of consciousness.

11. I believe with perfect faith that G-d rewards those who keep His commandments, and punishes those who transgress Him.

- The commandments are spiritual principles, and there are negative effects that occur when these principles are not adhered to.

12. I believe with perfect faith in the coming of the Messiah. How long it takes, I will await His coming every day.

- I believe that a consciousness will arise in the hearts of men that will allow us to live in peace and harmony. War will cease, famine will end, and yet we will continue to grow and learn together. Universal liberation.

13. I believe with perfect faith that the dead will be brought back to life when G-d wills it to happen.

- Continuing from the previous answer: I also believe that in this time, man and G-d will commune to such a powerful degree that the very issue of death shall no longer exist. Souls will be perfected vessels and they will pass beyond the need for bodies.

I propose a three fold division of the Klipotic types with a fourth adjunctory state that is indicative of a vessel's internal contents. This methodology is based in the idea that there are varying thicknesses of these shells, and that by certain signs, one can interpret which Klipot are more or less difficult to crack open. The terminology itself derives from Ezekiel 1:4 (note that in v.3, it is said that the Yad-Hand of HaShem was upon Ezekiel)

Ezekiel 1:4

"And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness [was] about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire."

I see five primary elements here:

1. Ruach Sa'areh (RVCh SORH) - Stormy Wind

2. Aanan Gadol (ONN GDVL)- Great Cloud

3. Esh Mitlaqachath (ASh MThLQChTh) - Flaming Fire

3a. Nogah Lo-Sabib (NGH LV SBYB) - The Encircling Glow

4. Ayin Chasmal (AYN ChShML) The Eye of the 'Speaking Silence,' or "Gleam of Amber."

The Nogah, as per the system that A. Kaplan attributes to R. Azriel of Gerona (pgs. 118-119 of Meditation and Kabbalah), is the starting point of a certain meditative technique that allows one to ascend the Tree for various purposes. It seems that Ezekiel understood a great deal about the barriers that the mind places in order to keep the perceptual stream manageable (more on this later).

RVCh SORH, or Stormy Wind, is actually a fairly well known phemonenon. It is the mind filled to the brim with irrelevant thoughts. It rushes from idea to image to sound to sensation leaving only a lack of peace in it's wake. Note that this wind comes from the North. I've identified the North in other studies as a realm of hidden secrets (hence the Kabbalists connect this verse to the Klipot) and yet rich and fertile 'soil'. Note that the Klipot are not said to be in the North, but *out of the North*.

Another interesting point is that Ezekiel prefaces this verse by stating that the heavens opened up, and he saw visions of God (Elohim). In describing this process of verse 4, I believe that he is describing the process by which the heavens open up to our perceptions. Inferences based on the use of the name Elohim are left to the readers discretion.

Aanan Gadol is translated as Great Cloud, but according to BDB, Aanan can also mean to practice soothsaying. I think in a more general sense this can be interpreted as the stage in which the mind sees all of it's own wishes fulfilled, and creates illusionary dreamscapes that can allow one to create lasting change on the inner landscape, but nowhere else, save by indirect effect.

Esh Mitlakachath or the flashing fire is a strange word. It seems to me that Hebrew is implying a fire that feeds upon itself, or flames itself. This is the sense of numinous existence, of pure awareness, without bodily limit or boundaries based on form. Hence this is described with the adjunctory phrase, "surrounded by radiance" (NGH LV SBYB). The awareness of this radiance is actually only a secondary side-effect of the actual experience, which is essentially that of feeding existence (which I see as fire projected outwards from us in a sphere) with internal reflection (the process by which the fiery essence is extracted from the Living Waters in Tiphereth and Yesod and projected into Malkuth, which then recreates and projects the sphere of sensation). This creates a coincidental manifestory engine which can be used with great efficiency to pray/request aid/meditate and be granted results. But this is still not the deepest level of communion. At the center of the fire is said to be a "Gleam of Amber."

The words throughout this verse are multi-layered, but especially so in this phrase, so I'll extract what I can and leave the rest for further meditation. The word OIN, or eye, has a multitude of meanings. The sense used here is that of "gleam, sparkle (of metal, jewels, etc.); of wine" or that which draws the *eye*. However, the word OIN can also be used in reference to the internal spiritual state that causes the eye to be drawn to any given thing. It's like if I notice green cars driving down the street, I was probably looking for green cars to watch, because I was predisposed to look for them due to my internal state. I see this as the sense in which BDB describes OIN as being "Fig. of mental and spiritual faculties, acts and states".

Now ChShML: "of uncertain derivation; a shining substance, amber or electrum or bronze (uncertain)." However I have heard it said that it should be read Chash Mal, which is based in two separate roots, ChShH and MLL, and basically could be said to translate out to 'the Silence which Speaks.' This is the place where Heaven (ShMYM) opens up to us.

So we survived Hanukkah. It was pretty nice, I have to say. We told stories, sat around and did family activities together, ate some jelly doughnuts, and just in general had a festive time. We learned a few lessons about lighting lots of candles in a small space too, like needing foil to put under the chanukia, and remembering to clean out the candle sockets every night so they aren't clogged by the 3rd night, and which way to put the candles in, then which way to light them. Aha!

(Many thanks to Daniel Syme's The Jewish Home)

"Now if you say that the word of any ignorant person has the same effect, come and see: One who is unaccustomed to the mysteries of Torah and innovates words he does not fully understand - when that word ascends, a man of perversity, tongue of falsehood (Proverbs 16:28; 6:17) bursts forth from the chasm of the immense abyss, leaping 500 parasangs to obtain that word. Grabbing her, he takes that word back to his chasm and transmogrifies her into a distorted heaven called 'chaos.' The man of perversity flies through that heaven - 6000 parasangs in one glide. As soon as the distorted heaven is established, a woman of whoredom (Hosea 1:2) emerges, clinging to it, joining with it. From there she sets out, killing thousands, myriads."

In honor of the third volume of Daniel C. Matt's Zohar being released soon (Mwahahahaha, Amazon says the 21st, it shall arrive!), I thought I'd do a nice little commentary on this paragraph. First of all, this is vitally important stuff for anyone who has a mystic world view. Why? Because it describes the mechanisms by which ideas spread from our words and change the experiences of others in the world. To start, we have the idea of "innovating words" which is actually pretty vital to the whole process too. Innovating words, it would seem, is describing a type of prophecy. In the Tanakh there are instances in which we see individuals using prophecy as a weapon, ala Balaam. So in this case, we're talking about someone who is prophesying without an understanding of the processes that are magnifying his words into new realities. So when this person begins to prophesy, "a man of perversity" (Samael, the Accuser, according to Matt), takes hold of the word and uses it to create a heaven. Heaven is an important technical term here also. Matt explains that these are new heavens being created, not the established heavens. But what does heaven mean? Heaven is the sum of the vectors created by the invisible principles that are governing your reality. These principles are defined by your beliefs about reality. These can be (and frequently are) summarized by mythologies, which determine the vectors in the "story" of your life. So heaven is the sum of those mythologies that you are living out. So, when our clueless prophet is creating chaotic heavens, these are translated into life stories for others to act out. It's also important to note the strange numbers. These are coordinates of sorts, that tell you where an influence is coming from in the hierarchy of Etz Chaim, the Tree of Life. Samael leaping 500 parasangs means that his influence extends from Gevurah of Yetsirah (Yetsirah being the world of imagination, meaning, & dreams - Gevurah being the essence of Severity, which Samael embodies) to create this new heaven. Then it says he glides 6000 parasangs - This means that his influence is extended to Tiferet of Beriya (Beriya being the world of identity [Mi], and Tiferet being the heart, the seat of compassion). What does this mean? This means that the accuser is allowed to usurp the powers of compassion that G-d normally extends into everyone's "heaven" and twists them, to create a life of severity. This creates, as the text continues, a complex, a subliminal principle that is viral in nature. As it says, "a woman of whoredom" that can slay myriads. The reason I favor this interpretation is that Lilith was associated with the teeming creatures of the seas, which to me represents a principle living beneath the 'surface' of consciousness in multiple entities. She was said to bear thousands of children (thoughts) which she would turn around and slay (internal conflict). Matt also says that the term "woman of whoredom" is a reference to Lilith. This subliminal complex becomes viral, and spreads to anyone who allows themselves to 'be accused' by the thoughts generated by contact with the behavior that those infected propagate. So when you see someone who is acting in a way that you see as evil, and you wonder if others percieve you in that way, that thought is the trail left behind by that viral complex entering you. This is why Samael is called accuser; he as the male, or active principle, is the part you see - the accusation, while Lilith, the female, or passive principle, is not seen but does all the slaying. So how could our clueless prophet choose his words more carefully? The Zohar suggests more study of Torah, which purifies the soul, leaving it free of klippothic influence. The clueless prophet spreads the complexes inherent in his own words to others and their lives. Ultimately, none of us are free of complexes, but it is vital that we cleanse ourselves of negative behaviors to the greatest degree possible, so that our words will not spread darkness into the lives of others.

Choose your words carefully.

The fog is here. It's as familiar as an old friend by now. The fog is a strange herald in my own personal mythology. I'm used to walking into it one person, and leaving it another person. A long time ago, a friend and I drove out to an acquaintance's house for a bit of partying. It wasn't a significant meeting, but on the way home, as is to be expected when driving while sleepy, I got lost. We drove around for awhile, not saying anything, because neither of us wanted to appear nervous to the other. Then he asked me if I knew where we were. I assured him I did, but really I had no idea. Every time I found a marker, I'd see things just past it that contradicted my previous understandings as to our whereabouts. Eventually I found the highway and we booked it back to the humble garage I was living in at the time. Not too long after that, I ended up staying out there for a long time. Once again, I got lost out there. So, the fog usually preceeds a new period of life for me. Right now, I'm talking to the student-rabbi and she's mentioned the final stages of conversion: the beit din (possibly a brit dam also), the mikveh (in January), and a public acknowledgement in the way of an aliyah to the Torah. I'm very excited about all this. I've studied for a year, and longer before this, and I guess I'm just really jazzed that it will finally be official soon. But what then? Will I then get caught up in this new identity and become lost in the twists and turns therein? No. You see, the thing that happened to me long ago happened before I knew who I was. I am still learning, but I have my foundation, and I am aware of my own nature. These are my guideposts, the lights that help me search for wisdom. They are the very basis of my faith: by knowing that Eheyeh Asher Eheyeh (I am that I am) created me in his image, I know that I can be aware of my own true nature, and that because of that, I will never lose myself again.

Not really related, but I gotta say that I'm proud to be converting to Reform after reading this.

Chompin' at the bit...

Finished "To Life", but I've been very busy with my new job, so I haven't had time to review it. All in all, it's been mostly consistent with what I've discussed with others. Spirituality rooted in action, religion centered in life. Definitely the fertile soil I'm looking for to raise children in and nourish my own soul in.

New book: Anatomy of God by Roy A. Rosenberg. This is a translation of a couple of Zohar portions that are tough to find in a good translation. The Idraot (The Greater and Lesser Assemblies) are metaphorical works in the tradition of the Shiur Qomah which describes an obviously metaphoric "body of G-d" of varying dimensions. The Idraot, however, describe the emanatory structure of the world through reference to the Beard of G-d. I think it's a better metaphor because it's less anthropomorphic to describe a portion than it is to describe the whole body as in Shiur Qomah. I like the translation - it's clean and doesn't have a whole lot of additions as far as I can tell. Then again I'm not at all good with Aramaic, so what do I know? ;)

I actually typed this up as an example for someone at synagogue, but I thought I'd post it here as an example of what I do (besides the usual Jewish prayers. Usually the ones I do are several pages in length and require me to hold several letter strings in my head at a time. I try to keep the gnosis that each letter points to all together in the letter string, so it can get pretty difficult after awhile (My eyes start to cross doing the tougher ones). Sorry if the vowel points aren't under the letters. This worked on Livejournal, but apparently Blogger has some issues with it. Anyway, here ya go:

The Fifth Yichud

(from Meditation and Kabbalah by Aryeh Kaplan, pg. 252)


The purpose of this Yichud is to repel and banish the Outside Forces. You may meditate on it after another Yichud.

Meditate on the two names Elohim Elohim like this:

ALHYM ALHYM (אלהים אלהים)

Then intertwine the names with these vowels:

AeAe LeLe HeHe YeYe MaMa (אֵאֵ לֵלֶ הֵהֵ יֵיֵ מַםַ)

Contemplate [that each name Elohim (אלהים) has a numerical value of 86, and therefore the two names have a value of 172]. Add to this an additional 10 for the 10 letters of both names, and you have 182, which is the numerical value of Jacob (יַעֲקֹב).

Also contemplate that the vowel points have the same numerical value as Jacob. The first eight letters all have the vowel point Tzeré (ֵ ), except for the second Lamed, (ל), which has a Segol (ֶ). [The Tzeré consists of two dots or Yod’s, and thus has a numerical value of 20. The Segol consists of three dots or Yud’s and has a value of 30. The seven Tzerés therefore have a total value of 140, and together with the 30 of the Segol] this yields 170. This is the value of AC (עק) of Jacob.

The two letters Mem (מ) have the vowel Patach (ַ). [This has the form of a (headless) Vav (ו), and therefore has a numerical value of 6. The two therefore have] a numerical value of 12. This is the value of JB (יב) of Jacob.

Combining AC (עק) and JB (יב) then yields Jacob (יעקב)

Coming to terms with worship:

I am generally not a worship kind of guy. I don't generally praise people when they are doing what they are supposed to be doing, although I'm sure many managerial books would recommend otherwise. I am rather critical, but when I see improvement in another person, I become fiercely proud and protective of that person. I let them know that I am impressed by their growth. I do this to offset the severity of my criticisms. I say all this to illustrate that I am not the kind of guy that hands out compliments lightly. So where does worship fit into this? Is worship about telling G-d how great a guy He is?
I do not bless G-d because I feel the need to grovel before him, nor because it is the style of approach that used to be customary for kings. I think G-d is generally secure enough in His G-dhood to not need me to compliment Him. Rather, I think we praise G-d because we are calling to the characteristics that we wish to see in G-d. It is like a man who goes to see the king saying, "O King, surely you are wise. Please hear my request." The king replies, "Indeed, I am wise. Because you have acknowledged that, I shall apply my wisdom to your request." However, praise does not always proceed a request. In that case, it is enough that the Blessed Holy One gazes upon our lives with those aspects that we have recognized, transforming subtly our lives with Divine Presence. We do not praise G-d to receive a blessing, like a bribe. We praise G-d to recognize His attributes, and to call those attributes into action in our lives and the lives of others. We call to His Presence because we are His friends, and like friends, we wish to show Him every good thing we see.

So lately I've been going through a lot of transitions. I just changed jobs, to a job that lets me work from home for a bit more money. This also gives me time to do things I had previously been unable to do, like spend more time with the family, devote more time to study, etc. One of the things I've decided to do is the Amidah once a day combined with some meditation. So I clear my mind of the problems of the day, relax my body, and then once I've done that for about 5 minutes, I do the Amidah from here.

It has had a very positive effect upon my mindset; I troubleshoot my customers' problems with more confidence when I am calm. It also reminds me to act with kindness towards everyone, so that I can reduce the amount of misery in the world. It is my way of declaring my dedication to Tikkun HaOlam every day.

This is a beginning.

Like many other beginnings, it begins with a spark. The spark in this case was a dream I had last year: "...The perspective switched back to me. I left the Christian convention. I had seen a few Jewish books at their booth, so I figured that there had to be some Jewish stores or a temple nearby. I saw two of them down one cobblestone street. Outside the door to the first store I saw many thick and beautiful books (inlaid with ivory and with gold filament lettering), but I knew the price was too high for me to pay. So I opened the double doors to the shop, and saw that it was actually a closet-sized converted fireplace. Placed carefully on racks were very ancient Torah scrolls with their respective commentaries. At the bottom were some ashes, and I immediately fell to my knees and sprinkled the ashes over my entire body."

It took me awhile (5 months from the time of that dream), but that day I began considering conversion. I had been studying Kabbalah (not the Phillip Berg kind) for awhile on the Exclusively Kabbalah list, but I hadn't seriously thought about Judaism as a religion.

Once I started going, it was a whirlwind of new things to learn and new people to meet. There were customs and rituals I had never heard of (although not all were unfamiliar). The experience has been rich and full of meaning.

But there has also been study and learning involved. I took a Judaism 101 course (although I missed a few classes) and learned a lot about Jewish History, Halakha, the Talmud, Jewish Philosophy, and a whole lot about people's opinions about these subjects.

So I'm going to be reading books and moving towards conversion, and I will attempt to document this process here.

B'shalom!